The Internet on Trial #001
Joe Goldberg vs. The Republic of India
What if Netflix’s biggest red flag was tried under Indian law? Disclaimer: This article is for educational purposes only and contains spoilers for You.
The Accused
Name: Joe Goldberg Occupation: Bookstore manager Known for: Romantic monologues, breaking into houses, and having absolutely no concept of personal boundaries. Plea: “I did it for love.” The Court: “We’ll need something stronger than that.”
Charge #1: Stalking
Following someone everywhere, memorising their routine, watching them from a distance, and calling it fate doesn’t make it romantic. It makes it stalking. Applicable Law: Section 78, Bharatiya Nyaya Sanhita (BNS), 2023 Punishment: Up to 3 years’ imprisonment (first conviction), up to 5 years for repeat offences, along with a fine. Verdict: Guilty.
Charge #2: House-Trespass
Joe enters people’s homes without permission—sometimes while they’re out, sometimes while they’re asleep. Breaking into someone’s house is not a grand romantic gesture. Applicable Law: House-trespass provisions under the Bharatiya Nyaya Sanhita (BNS), 2023. Verdict: Guilty.
Charge #3: Theft
Phones. Laptops. Keys. Diaries. Joe treats other people’s belongings like they’re part of his relationship. Applicable Law: Theft provisions under the Bharatiya Nyaya Sanhita (BNS), 2023. Verdict: Guilty.
Charge #4: Kidnapping & Wrongful Confinement
That iconic glass cage? Great for Netflix. Terrible for court. Keeping someone locked up against their will amounts to kidnapping and wrongful confinement under Indian law. Applicable Law: Relevant provisions under the Bharatiya Nyaya Sanhita (BNS), 2023. Verdict: Very guilty.
Charge #5: Murder
Joe has an unfortunate habit of turning every inconvenience into a homicide. Indian law is generally not very forgiving about that. Applicable Law: Murder provisions under the Bharatiya Nyaya Sanhita (BNS), 2023. Punishment: Life imprisonment or, in the rarest of rare cases, the death penalty. Verdict: Guilty.
Charge #6: Destroying Evidence
Cleaning crime scenes. Hiding bodies. Covering his tracks. Turns out that’s a crime too. Applicable Law: Causing disappearance of evidence under the Bharatiya Nyaya Sanhita (BNS), 2023. Verdict: Guilty.
Final Judgment
Charges Proven: Stalking House-trespass Theft Kidnapping Wrongful confinement Murder Destruction of evidence Sentence If Joe Goldberg committed these crimes in India and the prosecution proved them beyond reasonable doubt, he would almost certainly face life imprisonment, with the possibility of the death penalty depending on the facts of the murders.
Court’s Closing Remark
Joe Goldberg thinks he’s the hero of a love story. The Republic of India thinks he’s the author of a very long charge sheet.
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